New York Times Says ‘Modern Man’ ‘Has No Use for a Gun,’ ‘Cries Often’

<i>New York Times</i> Says ‘Modern Man’ ‘Has No Use for a Gun,’ ‘Cries Often’ | PJ Media:
"The New York Times is not just the Paper of Record.
It is, among so very many other things, the adjudicator of acceptable opinion, the arbiter of style, and the guide for the perplexed.
It was thus with humble gratitude that males, all of whom are prostrate betas before the Times’ grand alpha, received the article that appeared last week in the Men’s Style/Self-Help section:
“27 Ways to Be a Modern Man.”
How would we know, if the New York Times didn’t tell us?
Brian Lombardi, the Times’ appointed oracle on what makes a Modern Man, is as gnomic and enigmatic as any of his Delphic predecessors.
He tells us, for example, that “the modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
” My best guess as to what this could possibly mean is that it is a reference to the Wu-Tang Clan, which, I am informed, is “an American hip hop group from New York City, originally composed of East Coast rappers RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, U-God, Masta Killa, Cappadonna, and the late Ol’ Dirty Bastard.”
...But then, there is this:
The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door.
If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
Very well, but also:
The modern man has no use for a gun. 
He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
If Modern Man must never own a gun, that’s his choice. 
But he “has no use” for one? 
What if the intruder who storms his bedroom is too strong for Modern Man to fight off unarmed? What if the intruder has a knife — or is even so much of an Antiquated Man as to have a gun?
What can Modern Man do then? Reach for the melon baller that Lombardi advises he use to make sure  “the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves” are “uniformly shaped”?
A clue as to how all this sage advice hangs together comes in the oracle’s penultimate utterance:
The modern man cries. He cries often.
Perhaps the Modern Man is so given to such displays because the intruder was indeed armed, and Modern Man wasn’t, and Modern Man’s wife had no chance to get away..."